CONFIRMATION:  You will receive an e-confirmation once you have placed your order.  You are advised to keep this safe, as you may be asked to produce this confirmation prior to tour commencement.  If you can’t produce it or have forgotten it, we’ll probably put you in an iron maiden for the duration of the tour.

CANCELLATIONS:  You must cancel more than 48 hours prior to your tour time in order to receive reimbursement.  Failure to do so will result in your ticket cost being forfeited unless we can reschedule your booking to another date which isn’t always guaranteed.  We understand that things can crop up sometimes, but we’ve got a tight ship to run and can’t afford last-minute deserters.  Conversely, if WE need to cancel on YOU, for any reason, we will reorganise your date or refund your money in full as quickly as we can – we’re nice like that. We do reserve the right (rude, we know) to cancel the tour up to and including at tour time with immediate effect if we have any health and safety issues or concerns. We know it’s a pain, but sometimes these things are unavoidable.

MINIMUM NUMBERS: The tour will only go ahead if there are a minimum of 6 people booked in, if you’re the only one booked in for a tour we’re not going to eyeball just you for an hour – it’ll get uncomfortable. It rarely happens, but we may contact you before the tour to ask if you can make another time or date or cancel and refund your ticket.

DISCOUNTS:  There are no discounts.  We get it – you’re ‘old’ or you’re ‘skint’, or otherwise feel life should just throw you a bone.  Well, get over yourselves!  We tell the same stories and do the same walk for everyone, so you can pay the same as everyone else.  There’s no favouritism here – we’re a’ Jock Tamson’s bairns.

WEATHER:  Tours will go ahead irrespective of the weather unless there’s an actual weather warning from the Met Office.  You are advised to dress sensibly according to the situation.  We will not be held responsible for you getting soaked, chilled to the bone, or any other elemental forces that hamper your experience – that’s totally on your inability to prepare for our wonderful Scottish weather. If we do have to cancel due to a weather warning, you will be able to either reschedule or receive an immediate refund for your tickets whichever you prefer.

PAYMENTS:  No cash.  We’re already out walking the streets – can you imagine what it would look like if we started accepting cash from random people in the street?  Oh, the scandal.  You pay online.  End of.

BEHAVIOUR: Be sensible; we’re out in public.  No alcohol, no drugs, don’t turn up drunk or wasted.  No littering, no heckling or being a nuisance in any way.  At the risk of sounding like your mum, you’ll get a clip round the ear if you even think of rocking up to the tour in a state!  No running across roads or acting the goat – you’re a guest on our tour, and we’ll throw you in a shallow grave before we put up with any of your nonsense.

LIABILITY:  If you die or injure yourself doing something we’ve told you to do, then it’s totally on us.  If you make stupid decisions and injure yourself or die because of something you did, then that’s entirely on you, and we’re accepting no responsibility for you being stupid.  If you need help to be less stupid, let us know so we can put you in a straightjacket before we start the tour.  We’re not here to hold your hand, but we do expect you to be able to at least pay attention to your surroundings.  Remember, there are other guests on the tour with you who will act as our witnesses if necessary, so tread carefully, in every sense of the word.

ANORAKS:  We’re not historians; we’re just local people with a passion and enthusiasm for the dark and creepy history of Dundee, of which we know a LOT about.  Don’t bombard us with questions about stuff we’re clearly not interested in – that’s what Google is for!  Anoraks beware, if you go all geeky on us, we’ll make you perform in front of the rest of the group…and you won’t like it one little bit!  Dark history.  Dark.

FUN:  We expect you to be having fun at all times.  No exceptions.  If you don’t look like you’re having fun, or even worse, if you don’t look interested, you will be expected to do a dramatic interpretation of the chase of the Tay Whale.  Seriously though, we’re really relaxed and present things in an engaging way so it’s not all stuffy and boring.  We’re here for the drama, so please enjoy it because it takes up so much of our energy being this pleasant and personable when really, we’re just grumpy old farts.

By purchasing our tour ticket(s), you are agreeing to the above information.  Whilst we agree that they are slightly funnier than your usual terms and conditions, they still explicitly state what we expect from you, our customers, when on a tour with us.  And don’t think the Tay Whale thing is a joke, by the way – we’ll make you do it if we don’t see your smile!